Anja Victoria

I really thought it was my home, that I had found it. I started to work there, but then the pandemic came and I lost every single client I had. I had no money, no food (she let out a small awkward laugh), so I came back to Switzerland. I got a job here, I met a wonderful man, and slowly I’m realising that Zurich is my home.

How does home feel?
Warm in my heart. Safe.
And how do you feel love?
Security and warmth.
Sounds the same.
Yes, it is the same.

What was your job back in London?
A photographer. My clients were music bands. It was a good time.
And now?
I’m still a photographer, but in the financial sector. I take portraits of CEOs and boardrooms for websites and so on.

Why photography?
A camera feels like a weapon. Most people feel insecure in front of a camera, as I do. And it makes it easier for me to approach people, because I have a reason to talk to them. That’s why I started shooting bands — I was scared to go to concerts in the first place.

How do you think your feelings of anxiety and insecurity are connected to the story of being sexually abused by your teacher?
Yeah… (she delivered it quietly, more like half an exhale than a word).
How come it’s still present in you?
Because I remember it.

If you could change something in the past, what would it be?
I’d change nothing. It made me the person I am today, and I like myself.
What do you like about yourself?
That I never gave up on myself, or on my dreams, even when everything was against me.
What was against you?
My health.
Do you mean your mental health?
Yeah. I can’t count the times I tried to kill myself.
What was happening to you in those moments?
Depression I guess. I felt very hopeless, sad, lost, trapped, like there was nothing I could do to feel better. I couldn’t leave my room for a few years. It wasn’t a good time.
That’s powerful. A lot of people, including me, might go mad after a few days of such a prison.
She chuckled warmly. Yeah… I imprisoned myself back then. But I stopped hurting myself when I was 20. That was like the beginning of my life, a rebirth. (She sighed) My childhood best friend got shot when I was 20.
Under what circumstances did this happen?
He was selling drugs, and something didn’t go well. And I remember when we were 15, I said one of us wouldn’t make it to 20.
Why did you say that?
I don’t know. He died three days before he turned 20. I felt like it was my fault.
How did you cope with it?
Through writing everything out, and through photography. That’s when things changed. I decided to make myself alive, to live for both of us. And photography really helped. I documented the whole drug and self-destruction thing. Last year I had an exhibition with those pictures. It was always photography for me. Because I had experienced bad stuff in the past, I tend to forget things faster than others, like I push them away. Taking pictures helped me not only to remember, but to see how bad it was. When I looked at myself… for instance, I had cut my arm a lot, it was quite bad, but I didn’t see it until I took a picture of it and realised, oh shit, you have to go to the hospital.
What was the intention behind the cutting?
To release the tension of stress and feelings I didn’t like.
Did it help?
Yeah. But at some point it got so bad unintentionally, because I touched the veins… there was a point when I had to stop, but I couldn’t. So I compensated with smoking cigarettes, which is a problem for me now, yet it’s not as harmful as cutting.
Does it hurt when you’re bleeding?
No, you just get dizzy until you pass out.

Who or what inspires you?
Music. Gangsta rap. (she smiled)
Inspires you in what way?
To do art, to do anything.
What’s art?
It’s when I turn my thoughts into something visual so people can understand it.

What do you believe in?
Honestly, I don’t know. I feel there’s something higher than me, like the universe.
What if it’s not higher than you — what if it’s you?
No… not right now. Maybe.
When you close your eyes, what do you see?
Space. I like to call it space.
Is there anything in it?
Blue and red clouds, and a few stars. But sometimes it’s just black.

What is your greatest fear?
Not having money. That’s so deeply rooted in me that it can be paralysing at times.
She smiled. My partner sells large stock holdings to other people. But my family never had money. They lost everything in the Second World War, and it carries through generations. While my boyfriend’s family lives on the other side of the lake — where the rich people are. But I didn’t know that when I met him. Through him I learned how to handle money. I was also lucky to earn some capital through cryptocurrency. And yeah… now I have savings, I have a registered company, I have two employees. It feels weird to have it. It’s only been a year, but I still don’t know how not to feel bad about having money.
Why?
Because my mother doesn’t have any. Those thoughts of not having money are still in my head, and I don’t want to pass that fear on to my children. I don’t have them yet, but hopefully I will, in three years.
What’s going to happen in three years?
I expect myself to have worked through the traumas I could potentially pass on to my children.

When was the last time you felt genuinely happy?
Yesterday. I stood on my balcony with my boyfriend. We had some drinks, just looking at the city.

When was the last time you cried?
Two weeks ago. It was when I relived my childhood trauma.
The one with the teacher?
Yes.
How did you do it?
I played it like a movie in my head. It felt like it was happening again.

Is there something you’re missing in your life?
No.

Do you have a dream?
I’ve always wanted to travel through the old Soviet Union countries, to the other side of the continent.
To Vladivostok?
Yes. I tried to learn Russian, but it wasn’t successful. I had no one to practise with.
Where did this interest come from?
I once did a presentation on the atomic bomb. It sparked my interest in history, and in the world wars. That’s when I learned about the USSR. Since then, I’ve wanted to see it, to talk to the people. It feels distant. I also want to see Chernobyl, but it feels weird to talk about it. I’ve never said that to anyone.

Do you believe in a soul?
I do.
How would you describe it?
The feeling of home. Of being at home in yourself. I lose myself when I’m not connected to my soul, so I always have to find my way back.

How do you take care of yourself?
Reading a book or spending time with my cat.

What did you do when you imprisoned yourself in a room?
Watched TV, played games, looked out the window.
What happened when you got out?
I was scared of everything.
Why did you decide to get out?
I couldn’t do that to myself any longer, so I tried to force myself to go out every day. Sometimes it was just to reach the front door, but I tried.