Veronika

Is there any emotion present in you?
I’m very nervous. I notice how calm you are, and I feel like my own energy is all around me. I almost want to steal some of your calm.
What do you mean by ‘my energy is all around me’?
I’m a loud person, she gasped. I don’t know the right word… When someone gets something from you? People often say they get nervous around me too. Do you know what I mean?
Contagious?
Yes!

But what’s loud about you? You don’t sound loud to me.
Not in volume. I’m just very sensitive to noise, so I hate it. And I always feel like I’m a very big person, meters tall, visible to everyone, because I’m so loud and annoying. I’m always reflecting on how people react to me, how they see me, how they feel. Constantly trying to be acceptable for others, careful not to step on anyone’s foot.

I see a difference between reflecting on how people see you and being careful not to step on anyone’s foot.
Thinking about how people see me helps me avoid stepping on their feet.
Yes, but being aware of another person in front of you is one thing, while trying to imagine how someone sees you is another. The latter depends too much on your imagination. You can be careful with me, but it’s not up to you how I feel or how I see you.
Hmhm, I can only think about things that annoy me—like loud noise, so I try not to speak too loud, not to make too much noise. But you’re right, when I think what people think of me is most likely not what they think.
Isn’t a waste of time then?
She smiled. Yeah.

Why do loud sounds annoy you?
I don’t know. It’s always been like that. I’m actually thinking I could be on the autism spectrum—I’m still testing for it. I have ADHD. But music is a big thing in my life—I never go anywhere without my headphones, because music is the noise I can control.

Why is control important to you?
I’ve lost control many times in my life. Some things happened to me. So every time I lose control I feel unsafe, and I need to hold on even harder not to lose it again.

What do you control now? You can’t control sounds, thoughts, feelings, me.
That’s actually a big topic for me. I got raped when I was 13. Ever since I try to put myself only in situations where I lose control willingly—by giving it into the hands of another person—like in BDSM, when you give control willingly, you don’t really lose it, because it was your choice. That’s what I like in sex. I give control so no one can take it away from me.

I didn’t say anything, only texted her after she left, telling her I was sorry for what she’d been through. What happened to me that I wasn’t able to stay with her in that moment, and instead just reached for a sip of water?

She continued: In other situations, like when I’m on the train and a baby is crying, I just get off at the next station. That’s a kind of control I have over sounds. If someone annoys me, I just leave the place.

And if for some reason you can’t leave?
That’s why I always have headphones or earplugs with me.

What happens to you when there’s a loud noise, and why do you want to leave?
My whole body tightens up, every muscle goes rigid. I get a strong impulse to run away. I can’t think clearly—my mind just turns messy.

What’s the difference between a messy mind and a clear one?
In silence I can follow my thoughts to the end. But when there are loud noises around me, all I hear is this scream: “Leave! Leave! Leave!”

And what does it mean, the end of a thought?
Reaching a conclusion, even if it lasts only for a moment. May I ask where are your thoughts most of the time? Are you thinking more often about the future or past?
Neither. I try to observe what comes to mind, label it as a thought, and move on. How would you answer to your question?
I think about the past all the time and have little thoughts about the future. I’m an impulsive person, going with a flow like a fish following the stream.

Aren’t you out of the flow when you think of the past?
No, it’s a way of prediction. When I look at the past and where the flow took me, I can predict where the stream could possibly take me.
Isn’t a fifty fifty bet? A forecast you can’t rely on?
Yeah. I don’t rely on it, but it gives the sense of control.
What would be the difference if you just surrender to it?
I wouldn’t be able to put myself in a better situation. I’m trying not to make the same mistakes twice.

What kind of mistakes?
Like with dating. If I notice certain things a person does to me, then the next time I date someone else and see something similar, I feel like I already know how it’s going to end. For example, if a person screams at me or at others, it’s very likely they’ll become physical at some point — I see it as a chain of events waiting to happen.

I see what you mean, but I’ll try to disagree and say that not every dog that barks will bite. And also, if one dog happened to bite you before, it doesn’t mean another dog that looks similar will do the same.
I think of it as a warning sign. And if there’s a risk, I don’t want to wait to see whether it’s true or false — I just leave. Maybe I’ve lost some really nice people because I left too early, but to me it’s still worth it. I’ve tried giving people second chances, but unfortunately, people don’t really change. They might change for a few seconds, maybe a few weeks. I dated guys with clear warning signs who convinced me to stay when I wanted to leave — they promised to change, but then they hurt me again, even worse than before. So I’ve learned to trust my gut.

Have you seen yourself change when you look back in retrospect?
I don’t think so. I can handle some situations better now… but when a person says, “I’ll change for you,” — that’s impossible in such a short time. Of course, I’m a different person than when I was 10, but I won’t change completely within a month.

Maybe it’s not about time, but about specific experiences that change us dramatically?
Yeah, sure — I’ve had experiences that changed me in the blink of an eye, but some things take time. For example, I cheated on two of my boyfriends, and that’s something I’m working on right now. I don’t want to go into another relationship until I feel I’ve outgrown that issue.
So people do change.
Yes. But then… when I was 15, I had a boyfriend and we used to fight a lot. And when we met again a few months ago — nearly ten years later — we still fought. So sometimes, nothing really changes.

I get what you mean. But what if I say that things can improve?
Improve?
For example, two people in certain circumstances always trigger the same feelings in each other. And, let’s say, one starts screaming. It’s impossible to avoid the trigger or the feeling — we just don’t have full control over it. But it’s possible to be so aware of it that you don’t let it out.
So time is a factor?! Time to improve.
I’m not sure. I’d say it’s more about the mindset you have before you’re triggered.
It correlates, though — we need time to learn how to be aware of ourselves.
I still don’t think it’s about time. Because even if you’ve learned to be aware of your emotions, it doesn’t mean you won’t fail the next time you’re triggered. Okay, now it sounds like people don’t change.

Tell me, please — what’s love?
Having the urge to give everything that you are and you have to another person. Everything that’s mine and that’s me is yours.

When you said you feel big, would you like to be smaller?
Yes — both in physical and non-physical ways.
Elaborate.
Just having a smaller waist, a smaller body, weighing less. And in non-physical terms — I wish I wasn’t all over the place. People have told me I’m too loud, too annoying. I don’t want people to notice me. Being seen is a pressure to perform, to look nice, to act nice. I have enough pressure on my shoulders already, so much anxiety, so I want people to leave me alone. Only when I’m alone I can really breathe.

What matters the most in life?
To make the best out of it. I tried to take my life twice, but I failed. I always thought I wouldn’t make it past 20. Now I’m 23, and every day I wake up, I’m surprised that I’m still here — so I try to make the best out of it.

Is there a quality you’d like to cultivate in yourself?
I want to perceive more. I spend too much time in my head, in my apartment. I want to be more open to people and things. Because — like we talked about warning signs — I leave very fast. If I see one thing that annoys me, I just leave. I’d like to be steadier — to have the strength to stay.