Lisa

How are you feeling today?
Good. I woke up feeling a bit sick, but it passed quickly.
What was hurting?
For some reason, my nose was swollen. I was all puffy, even though I drank very little yesterday—just a couple of glasses.
And a lot is how much?
A bottle. But it varies. If it’s a binge, then, well…
What’s a binge?
When I lose control. I used to be able to drink and drink until blackout. I’m probably trying not to drink like that anymore. Now I’m scared of losing control.

What do you do to avoid losing control?
I try to drink less, I’ve been going to therapy for eight years. I’ve made pretty good progress, actually. I can’t say I have perfect self-control, but I have this irrational fear that I might get ‘cancelled,’ even though I haven’t grown to that level yet—who would even cancel me? One of my 400 followers? Laughable. But I guess I have some inner ambition to become great, so I watch what I say, how I say it, and sometimes I just don’t say anything.

What does it mean to become great?
I think about that quite often. Maybe my greatness lies in how I’m able to be with people, to shape the space around me.
What’s so great about how you are with people—something others might not have?
That people feel accepted with me, safe. That I seem wise to them—I ask the right questions. And I ask the right questions because I listen without judgment.

Give an example of a right question.
I don’t know. To be honest, this conversation has gone in a completely different direction than I wanted. I don’t know what a right question is.
And a wrong question?
Yeah, an insensitive one. Cruel. That’s how it feels in my head. I have this trait—I have borderline personality disorder—and with that, you tend to split the world into black and white. That’s why my thinking includes things like ‘right’ and ‘wrong.’

When you said black and white, I thought of this phrase: ‘Yellow is a light that’s been dampened by darkness; blue is a darkness weakened by light.’
I like the one about blue more. I’ve spent most of my life in depression. And now, literally for less than half a year, I’ve been enjoying life—in a different sense of the word. Of course I had good moments before, too, but considering that for as long as I remember, I didn’t want to live, and how much I’ve done to keep living and to improve the quality of my life… I didn’t want to suffer so much that there were three options: kill myself, wait to die, or improve my life.

Why didn’t you want to live?
I still don’t.
What makes you not want to live?
I don’t know. Just the other day, I was walking home—I have surgery scheduled in April, because I snore really badly, and it’ll be on my nose and throat, under general anesthesia—and I was walking and thinking, ‘Well, I have this surgery coming up… how wonderful it would be if I just didn’t wake up from the anesthesia.’

Why did you choose to improve your life instead of ending it?
Because I grew up in an Orthodox Christian family, and it’s impossible to just erase those religious beliefs.
Are you afraid of going to hell?
Yes. More than anything, I’m afraid of suffering. I really don’t want to suffer. That’s the most important thing for me—not to suffer. Even though I’m no longer religious and don’t live a religious life.
Not religious, but what kind of life then—a sinful one?
Yes, sinful. I started, and I’ve just continued.
What is a sinful life?
Not living according to God’s commandments.
Which commandment have you broken?
Probably the only one I haven’t broken is ‘Thou shalt not kill.’
And that doesn’t scare you—that you might go to hell?
No, because there’s hope that if it’s not a sudden death, I’ll have time to repent. But with suicide, you don’t get that chance.

Was there something that triggered your depression?
Yes. It started when I was 14, after I was raped. At the time, my parents were deeply immersed in Orthodoxy—though in recent years it’s softened, back then it was intense. After that, my dad started beating me, saying it was my fault, that I let it happen, that I wanted it. All of that. He beat me until I was 18. The desire not to live grew stronger and stronger, and eventually it led to three years of constant drinking, after which I began therapy.

If you could change something in your past, what would it be?
Nothing.
Why not?
I like who I am now.
What do you like most about yourself now?
I like my way of thinking, the way I process feelings. I like how I see the world, how I respond to it. All of my experiences were necessary to become who I am now. Sometimes I ask myself, ‘Why me? Why did I become a victim of violence? Why didn’t my parents support me, but instead made everything worse?’
And what’s the answer?
She sighed, resigned. There is no answer. That’s just life.

What is love?
Love? she asked herself softly, and after a moment’s pause said, I don’t know the answer to that question.

What is non-suffering?
When you feel hope that things will get better. Maybe not better, but different.
Why hope for that if it’s a fact?
Well, yes, it is a fact—it’s just that when you feel that hope, when there’s faith that things can be different, then you find the strength.

What’s the most important lesson life has taught you?
That in the end, you’re left alone with yourself.
For me, love is acceptance and gratitude.
And loneliness?
It’s wholeness and freedom.