Justine

“What matters most in life to you?”
“My family. They are everything to me.”

“What’s the story of your family?”
“My family is huge. I grew up with my mum and older sister because my dad left when I was pretty young. I was born and raised here in Vienna, but when I was about ten, we moved to Lower Austria. It was a big change. It’s just a half-hour drive from here, but… yeah, very different. I had to change schools, and it was terrible.”

“You said you grew up with your mum and older sister—it doesn’t sound huge.”
“I also have two brothers from a different dad. My sister already has three kids, I have three grandpas, three grandmas, three aunts.”

“What does it mean to be a family?”
She sighed. “Family means unconditional love. And pain. I have a lot of bad experiences with my family. Even with my mum—I love her to death, but she also traumatized me.”

“And what’s your definition of love?”
“Love means being accepted for who you are, without judgment.”

“Describe yourself in a few words.”
“Impulsive. Very sensitive and loving.”

“How do you express love?”
“I’m bad with words, so I like to give, to touch.”

“What makes love different from other feelings?”
“It comes from two, it’s warm and good. When I love somebody, at first, I’m anxious because I want to do everything right. After some time, I’m not anxious anymore. Actually, I don’t know how to answer this question.”

“How does your anxiety express itself?”
“I forget words and want to leave.”
“In what situations do you feel like that?”
“When somebody isn’t open with me. When they’re distant.”

“Do you have a dream?”
“To become a criminal psychologist.”
“Where did that come from?”
“Probably from my dad. He’s a police officer, and he taught me about that kind of thing when I was young young. When he left, the interest stayed, and I started watching documentaries about it.”

“What’s your greatest fear?”
“Losing the people I love. And heights.”
“Imagine you’ve lost them. What would you do?”
“I’ve been through that. My best friend died two years ago from an overdose. And I still can’t let it go. In my mind, she’s still alive. I kind of keep it far away, and if I let it get too close, I’m afraid I’ll fall apart.”

“What’s the most important lesson life has taught you?”
“That I don’t have to change myself for anybody, that I’m good the way I am.”
“What does it mean to be good?”
“Just being who I am. I had to change so much about myself in the past because of my dad. I was never good enough for him. And now that I’m older, I know I was good enough back then. But he was my dad, you know? I was a kid, so I thought I had to change this and that to be good for him. But now, I know—I’m just good enough the way I am.”

“What are your flaws?”
“I can be a really mean person. I don’t want to be, but when I argue with someone, I go into defense mode.”

“What do you appreciate most about yourself?”
“That I’m honest.”

“And who or what do you appreciate the most?”
“My girlfriend.”
“Why?”
“She’s such a pure person. She accepts me with all my flaws. She grounds me. I’ve never had anyone like that in my life.”

“Can you share an example of you being impulsive?”
“Of course. For example, I’ll be at home watching TV, and my girlfriend comes in and— I don’t know—she forgets to turn off the light. And I get really mad about it, like, ‘Why are you doing that? Why can’t you just turn off the light? We have to pay for it!’ I get really mean. I can’t let it go. I keep confronting her about such a tiny thing!”

“How did your mother traumatize you?”
“She’s the kind of person who can’t really show emotions. Every time I was sad or upset about something, she never hugged me or said, ‘It’s okay.’ She would just say, ‘Why are you crying? Stop crying!’ It was painful. I needed someone to just hold me, but I never had that.”

“When was the last time you cried?”
“Yesterday.”
“What happened?”
“I was just overwhelmed by everything. I’m not doing what I want, I’m not studying what I want, and everything happening in the world right now makes me sad.”

“Who or what inspires you?”
“My mum. Even though she doesn’t have a lot of money, she raised four kids on her own. She has a house and always gave us everything selflessly.”
“What’s her job?”
“She’s a social worker, taking care of elderly people.”
“Why do you think she’s alone?”
“She’s been with her boyfriend for five years. He’s a good man, but he has a lot of bank loans himself and can’t help her financially. He lives in the house with her and the kids.”
“The kids—your two brothers?”
“Yeah, they’re seven and fifteen. And my sister also lives there right now. She just got out of an abusive relationship with her—now ex—husband. So I’m the only one who’s not there.”

“What is it that your mom inspires in you?”
“To do what I want to do. She never put any expectations on me. I wasn’t good in school, and I had to redo a class because of math, and the only thing she said was, ‘You know, you’ll make it!'”

“Is there a question you’d like to find the answer to?”
“Why my dad left. Why he never wanted to see us.”
“Have you ever tried asking him?”
“No. When I was sixteen, I texted him, ‘I just miss you. Maybe we can go for a walk?’ And he texted me back a few days later, ‘I’m going to change. I’m going to do it.’ But he never did. That was answer enough for me.”

“What is hope to you?”
“It sounds cheesy, but my girlfriend. She came into my life when I had nothing, when I was about to end my life. And then she came, and I thought, wow—life can be so good.”