Inside me

If I recall correctly, it was the first interview I conducted in a tattoo studio. It took place in Berlin at the end of August 2023. She and I settled onto a black sofa tucked into the far corner of the studio. The air buzzed with the hum of tattoo machines, loud pop music, and the murmur of voices—an energetic backdrop we had to tune out to focus on our conversation.

“You mentioned you were at the office earlier today. What were you doing there?” I asked.
“Sorry, what?” she said, leaning closer.
“Did you work before coming here?” I repeated, raising my voice slightly.
“Ah, yes.”
“And what’s your job?”
“I work at…” She paused, then continued, but I can’t disclose her position—it was something she asked me to keep private. Let’s just say, to me, it felt like she might as well have said, “I’m Agent 007.” Naturally, I was eager to know more, so the start of our interview focused entirely on that—but I have to skip over it.

“Is there something that keeps you awake at night?”
“Thoughts,” she said with a chuckle. “I imagine meeting someone and spending time together—thinking about how fun it would be to do this or that, to go here or there. Those thoughts fill me with excitement, and I just can’t fall asleep.”

“What excites you the most in life?”
“Spending time with friends, losing track of time and place, laughing—just being myself in the moment, sharing thoughts with people I care about.
And moving my body, feeling its energy and strength. I’ve been playing tennis since I was twelve, and when I hit a perfect kick serve, I feel pure excitement and joy. Especially in doubles, when I’m working with a partner toward a win—it’s such a thrilling connection.”

“What is your greatest fear?”
“I have a book where I answer questions every evening. I’ve been doing this for over seven years, and once, when I answered the very question you just asked, I wrote, ‘Losing someone I love.’ For example, last year, I got to know someone, and we had an intense connection. Then, suddenly, from one day to the next, that person was gone. I had that fear when we first met—what if I lost this person?”
“Sorry, do you mean he passed away or broke up with you?”
“Broke up.” She fell silent.
“So you faced your greatest fear?”
“Yeah.” Her eyes filled with tears.
“And how did it feel?”
“It hurt deeply.”

“What makes this fear so great?”
“Because when it happens, it feels like a big part of my life is taken away. For me, it’s so important to have people around me with whom I can build deep connections.” Her voice trembled, and her lips quivered as tears streamed down her face. “I’m really trying to find that, but it’s so difficult. Most people are already so busy with their lives, their friends, their partners—they don’t have the time or energy to connect deeply with someone new. I can’t be satisfied with just meeting a friend once a week or having the occasional small talk over a messenger. That’s not enough for me. I need to tell someone about the person I met on a train who asked if I thought their outfit looked good. Or to share the little things, like what crosses my mind when I’m in a supermarket. I miss having someone by my side for those moments. I miss listening to music together, reading poetry, just being with someone who isn’t caught up in the rush of daily life. Sometimes I think, okay, I can do these things alone, but… sometimes I just need people.” Her voice broke, and she was overwhelmed with sobs. I stood up and brought her a paper towel, staying silent as she collected herself.
After a moment, she continued. “I don’t know if I’m impatient. Maybe those people are out there somewhere. And it doesn’t have to be sexual or romantic. I just want to explore the different kinds of connections I can have. For example, I have friends I want to be physically close to—hugging, touching—but without any sexual element. That’s hard because most people have rigid ideas about friendship and romance. But I think there’s so much more in between.”

“If you could sum it up, what do you miss the most right now?”
“The physical connection,” she said quietly. “Even though I don’t have consistent emotional connections with friends, I do experience them occasionally. But physical closeness… I miss that the most.”