Valentina

Trigger warning – this interview discusses suicidal feelings.

Let’s talk about how you make your living.
I’m an artistic director, she replied.
I waited for her to continue.
She tried to say more, but her lips seemed glued together.

Could you explain to me what you actually do?
All that [speaks indistinctly]… like illustration, photos, logos.
She was nervously bending her white fingers.

Is it an easy job?
She was quiet. Her phone vibrated with messages.
I undid my watch strap and placed the watch on the table to keep track of time, discreetly.
She looked around, then turned off the sound on her phone and shyly said, with a French accent, I sink no.

What is so hard about it?
Sometimes it’s hard and stressful to be creative, because it requires full involvement.
She paused between words, as if checking each one in a French-English dictionary before saying it out loud.

What do you like or dislike about your job?
She mumbled something, lips barely moving.
I kept quiet, watching her restless fingers.
She said nothing.

If you could choose any job, what would you take?
Mm… pho-to-gra-pher, I sink.
Mm.

Are you a happy person? I smiled.
No, she smiled back.
Why not?
I don’t know. I think it’s always been like that.

Was there a moment in your life when you felt and realised what happiness really means?
Yes. When I adopted my dog.
Her voice sounded thick, as if her mouth were full of saliva and she did not know how to swallow it.

Do you feel embarrassed in front of me?
I’m a very shy person, and as a child I wasn’t even able to say hi to someone.
I see. Where did your shyness come from? What do you think?
I always feared what people would sink of me.
What do they usually think of you?
I don’t know, but I’m always afraid they sink something bad.
She spoke very slowly and fell into abnormal silence after every short answer. It was paralysing, almost irritating. I had never met anyone so lacking in confidence.

How are your relationships with your parents?
[Making some odd sounds] We don’t really understand each other. It’s hard for me to express my emotions, and I sink it’s hard also for the people who live with me.

Is your shyness the reason for your lack of confidence?
She was silent. I waited, impatient, until finally she said, I don’t feel that I’m adapted to this world. I sink I don’t understand it, and nobody really understands me, so I always feel…[speaks indistinctly].

Could you share a story of a time when you felt misunderstood?
Silence.
You said people don’t understand you. In what circumstances do you feel that? Maybe when you try to explain something? What is it that people don’t understand about you?
People don’t understand my feelings, I sink.
What feelings?
No reply.
If it’s a hard question, we can move on.
She only looked at me.

What do you like most about yourself?
I sink I’m a kind person. C’est tout.
And what do you dislike about yourself?
After half a minute of silence, I sink I want to be like everyone else, just to be able to speak normally, or… I don’t know.

Do I understand correctly that you dislike the way you speak?
Yes. I just want to be normal.
But people are different. There is no such thing as normal.
She just stared at me.

Is there something in your life that you are missing?
She kept staring. I stood up and walked around.
No, she said quietly.

I sat at another table, four meters away.
Maybe you miss your dog?
She smiled. I miss having friends, or people who take care of me.

You didn’t answer my messages for ten days and I thought you wouldn’t come. Yesterday you wrote that you were in hospital, had just been discharged, and still wanted to come. What happened?
Overdose of morphine.
She rubbed her right hand with her left.
How did it happen?
I went to a party. I knew there would be drugs there, and that I could take it in the bathroom.
She seemed on the verge of tears.

Was it the first time you tried to kill yourself?
No. I sink about death since I’m little. The last months just accelerated my desire to die.
Why morphine?
Because I knew it’s easy to overdose.
Weren’t you scared?
No.

I’ve never tried morphine. What does it look like?
Sachet.
And what did you feel when you took it?
I sat on the floor, and then I don’t remember anything. Just waking up in hospital.
What were you thinking when you woke up?
I felt very bad because I didn’t want to wake up.
My throat felt dry.
Do you still want to die?
I sink so, yes.

I reached for a glass of water and drank.
What is stopping you?
Because I know it would hurt my family.

I returned to sit with her.
You said you miss people who take care of you. Does that mean your family doesn’t?
Yes. I don’t know my father at all. My mother is really complicated. When I was a child we were very close, but later I felt there was no air, no liberty. So I distanced myself. She couldn’t understand why, and our relationship was getting worse and worse, and we stopped talking to each other. She couldn’t accept that we are not as close as we were before.

How old are you?
Twenty-eight.

What pushed you to attempt suicide?
The last few months were very tough. I had no money and had to prostitute myself. I was raped many times.
Were you raped by your clients?
Not only. Once at night on the street, another time by a photographer, other times by clients.
How did you end up in prostitution?
My mom kicked me out and I had to support myself.
When did that happen?
Five months ago.

I didn’t know what to say.

Is there something that inspires you to live, create, love?

Is there something you hate in your life and want to change?
Yes. I hate everything in my life.

What exactly do you hate?

Is it difficult to answer?
I don’t ask myself these questions. I avoid sinking about my feelings.

Have you ever spoken to a psychiatrist?
I tried many times when I was younger, but I would just sit there and say nothing.
Did you speak to one in the hospital yesterday?
I lied and told him it was an accident. I convinced him I was fine.

What does love mean to you?
I don’t believe in love.
What do you believe in?
Nothing.
What is nothing?

Do you love your dog?
Yes.
So what is love, then?

Do you have an idea of your perfect world?
Where people are kinder and less judgemental.
How can we achieve it?
I don’t know.

When was the last time you cried?
I cry every night in bed.
Why?
Because I feel sad and lonely.
Is crying helping you cope?
No. It makes it worse. I feel even more lonely.

What are you most afraid of?
Life.
What is life?
A repetition of things that never change.
Close your eyes. Things are changing all the time. Your thoughts, your feelings — everything moves.
She remained silent.

Do you have any questions you want answers to?
No.

I felt tired. I moved to another table and lay down on it, looking at the ceiling. A scooter roared outside; someone dumped garbage; then silence returned, punctuated by the ticking of my watch.
It seems to me that you’re depressed, but I’m not a doctor.
An old car diesel engine started and faded away.

Why do you want a tattoo from me?
I want to know what words you will choose to describe me.
Answer my questions then, I said silently, not knowing what words I might choose.

What words do you find beautiful?
Something pure and ephemeral.

Is there something you believe would make your life happier?
Someone to rescue me. But I don’t sink it’s possible.

There must be some happy moments. Let’s find one.
I don’t remember any.
Try to think what brings you joy.
Petting my dog in nature.
That’s something. At least one gentle thing.

What about sex?
No. I have a lot of sex but never feel pleasure. Only void.
Don’t you feel that void without sex too?
Church bells rang midday.
People are interested in me only for sex.

When was the last time you walked with your dog in nature?
Last summer. In the South.
Were you happy there?
Yes. It was a house in the middle of nowhere.
In the forest?
No. In lavender fields.
How long were you there?
Ten days.
Alone with your dog?
Yes.
What did you do?
Sleeping, eating fruits and walking in the nature.
Fruits?
Yes.