Katya

‘Is there something that bothers you?’ I asked her.
‘I worry very often and I know that it is me creating conditions for suffering,’ she answered easily.

Her chin, mouth, cheeks and nose were concealed by a blue surgical mask. Her huge pale blue eyes, big forehead and long blond hair were visible. She was staring at me.

‘How do you cope with anxiety?’
‘I drank away anxiety before, I could have one or two bottles of wine per evening and at the same time function well.’

‘How do you make it now?’
‘I quit drinking in November 2018 but the problem remained unsolved, I am still addicted to many things, like my job or food, I am still learning how to accept the imperfection.’

‘Tell me about the imperfection.’
‘For a long time I couldn’t accept my bisexuality and I worked on it with my therapist. I have been struggling with the feeling that I live not my life because I was trying to stick to the perfect successful role model: university, work, family, children. But the idea of having children scared the shit out of me and it was easy to drink away this fear.
At some point I realized that I can’t fit all the frames and my doubts are coming because of society’s presentation of good and bad.’

I was writing down her answers in my notebook, not looking up. Her talking was fast and endless. It was the moment I realized that I need to record my next interviews with a special device.

‘I also struggle with control. I am a perfectionist and I aim to complete too many tasks. I understand that I might not get all the tasks done and it scares me. I used to think that I must control everything around me, my emotions, everything!’

‘Let’s talk about how you make your living.’
‘All my life I work for myself. I have an offline clothing store with very big sizes in Peter (short for Saint Petersburg). I never weighed more than 80 kilos myself but I am well aware how difficult it is for these people to find clothes.
In fact I have five projects: jewellery, my clothing store, Thai massage club in Sochi, master class Instagram Competence and I help Stepanec Aleksandra with the selling of dresses and costumes that she makes herself.’

‘Why it is difficult to find large size clothes?’
‘The bigger the man — the bigger the disproportion is. It means more nuances and specificity, and to find the right size you need to try on three different sizes.’

‘Does it mean that the smaller the man — the smaller the disproportion is?’ I thought but didn’t ask.

‘Why you were in Peter opening this shop?’
‘I was born in Barnaul and first and foremost the target for me was to escape from this town. This is why I went to Peter. I was going through my self-affirmation phase and it was important to me to live alone and prove to myself that I can do everything on my own.
Peter gave me a lot of freedom, that helped me to avoid strange stereotyped life and to continue trying to find my real life.’

‘Did you find your real life or are you still looking?’
‘I still find something interesting.’

‘Like what?’
‘Recently I understood something very powerful in my field of work. I realized that I want to work with the artists, not to sell products. Two hours per week I consult artists about SMM for free. I plan to develop in this field, to open an educational program for artists about their autonomy online.’

‘How are you connected to the jewellery?’
‘My mom has several salons of jeweler’s arts and I am working for her as a project manager and web developer.’

‘Do you like the jeweler’s arts that you sell?’
‘It is soviet jewellery mostly and I was never a fan of it. Ninety percent is made out of pink gold and if there is a crystal then it is ruby.
But then I understood in Russia that it is easy to slip into the idea that everything is shit, while there are really a lot of talented people and I want to help them to sell their arts.’

‘What is your relationship with your mom?’
‘Well, when I came to mom and told her that I am an alcoholic, she didn’t believe me at first. She said that drunks are creeping on the streets and that I am not that kind of person. When I told her that I am bisexual, she said that I was “infected” in Berlin and deluded myself. It was devaluation of my problems and it was global, the whole society was against me, but mom’s failure fully to understand me was the hardest thing to accept.’

‘Why do you think she has reacted in this way?’
‘I think she found it really difficult to understand me, she has made so many efforts and has come a long way… It was very difficult for both of us.
I must say that she always tried to understand me and literally the following morning she thanked me for my honesty. I understand that she had her own vision of my life and it was very different from that which I had really become.
Eventually, she was sticking up for me and even quit drinking for a while. She has significantly changed her attitude about it and I feel a great support from her.’

‘Now we are in Berlin, how did you end up here?’
‘I live here for three years with my husband. He is German. We met in Odessa, lived in Peter, also in Prague before moving to Berlin.’

‘Tell me about your husband.’
‘When I see him I feel love. We have been together for eight years and we have an open marriage. It means I date with women and I can be honest with him about it.
It is very important to me to be honest with my loved one and not checking in my head what I can or cannot say to him without causing offense.’

‘And with whom is your husband dating?’
‘He is dating with no one, he is lazy ass. But if he dates then it is only with women. In my case I am more active and I can date with trans and non-binary persons. If that make sense I don’t date with cisgender males. I don’t find it interesting and it makes my husband jealous.
Sometimes we date with people together as a couple. During the lockdowns it was relevant to have less contacts. But this approach has a nuance: it is not an easy thing to find mutual interest for three.’

‘What do you like the most about these open relationships?’
‘I like to meet people, to open up to them and also to open myself.
I really love to fall in love and idealize these people.
I feel insanely inspired by the transition from meeting strangers to having sex with them.
I like to build new relationships.
Learning about the others is learning about myself.
I am very different with each person and I am really captivated by the research process.
It seems to me that I have the resources for relationships with more than one man.
I am deeply living the moment that I fall in love and I very much appreciate the ability to experience it again and again.’

‘What does sex mean to you?’
‘Sex is an indicator that shows my mental and physical condition. If desire to have sex with my husband or with someone else wanes it means that something is wrong with me, that I am most likely tired and missing something.’

‘And what is love to you?’
‘Love is willingness to accept the shortcomings of the other.’

‘What is your philosophy?’
‘The most important things in life are not things.’

‘And lastly, where and why would you like to live?’
‘In Portugal, near the sea, because the ebb and flow doesn’t care about the pandemic.’