Suzana Horvat

‘If you could change something in the past, what would it be?’
‘There is a lot… I mean, I’m happy with who I am now, but I would be less traumatized…’ Momentarily she lost her breath and began to cry. The tears were streaming down her cheeks tumbling from her chin onto the jeans. I took out my handkerchief and offered it to dry her eyes. She wiped her face and said, ‘I’m sorry, I’m not used to talking about myself so much.’

It was in Zagreb in June 2020. Suzana came to tell me her story and to trust me with her third tattoo.

‘Why did you decide to take part in my project?’
‘I had a feeling, I don’t know, just a feeling that I want to give it a try. Suzana from five years ago wouldn’t have done such a thing.’
‘What has changed in those past five years?’
‘I no longer live in a small box. Five years ago I was surrounded by high walls that used to protect me from other people and to protect others from me. It was not necessarily a bad thing, but we need to know when to raise them and when to lower them. Sometimes we have to get vulnerable and allow others to enter our space, otherwise it will always stay unchanged. When I broke down my walls, I learned more, and I enjoyed my life more.’ Her voice had a cheerful intonation and confident eastern accent.

‘What is your passion?’
‘I need to fight for the right things.’
‘Tell me a few right things that you are fighting for.’
‘For the weak, against injustice, helping others. I am known in my surroundings for helping people and animals. I can’t tolerate injustice, when I see it I feel pain and sometimes helplessness… I’m just trying to make a better world around me.’

‘Will you share with me one story; of a time when you helped someone?’
‘It was Christmas and I decided to buy presents for two families. I bought some food and gifts for the children. The first was a single mother, with a daughter. I’m not in touch with them anymore, because the woman wanted only money, I didn’t feel the need from her to make a change, and she blamed everything and everyone around her. I can’t help such people. The second family was Agatha with an alcoholic husband and three children. Agatha greeted me with a big toothless smile, and I immediately melted. It was the most beautiful smile in the world. She was working 20 hours a day and was treated like a slave. She was a little ashamed that I was helping her, but was happy and thankful to have someone who thought kindly of them and wished them well. She was in need of care, and I gave it to her. I helped her to finish public school. After school she took cooking courses and is working now in a local canteen. In fact, she is the one who is the hero of this story. She is a brave woman who wished to change, and she did it, everything by herself. I was just a support to her.’ A pale blue-green web exploded around her pupils.

‘If you could change something in the past, what would it be?’
‘There is a lot… I mean, I’m happy with who I am now, but I would be less traumatized…’ Momentarily she lost her breath and began to cry. The tears were streaming down her cheeks, tumbling from her chin onto the jeans. I took out my handkerchief and offered it to dry her eyes. She wiped her face and said, ‘I’m sorry, I’m not used to talking about myself so much.’

‘I understand, you don’t have to apologize!’
Her crying stopped, after which she returned my handkerchief.
‘I would change the relationship with my father.’
‘What would you like to change?’
‘I think I would learn more from him.’
‘Is he alive?’
‘No.’
‘What happened?’
‘He was a wonderful person before the war, but life had trampled over him and he couldn’t find the strength to fight anymore. Unfortunately, he snapped, and it was as bad for him as it was for us. My mother and I didn’t have a choice, and we ran away from him. Before the war he was a cheerful bear and everyone enjoyed his company, and that is what I am sorry for. I wish there had been no war so that he could have remained true to himself. He was an example to me of a relaxed and happy person. But he took all that away and gave me fear and distrust. That was when he caused me to start building my walls.’ She lowered her chin and hid her eyes. I kept silent for a while.

‘I noticed that beneath each of your photos in Instagram you display an elephant. What is your connection to this animal?’
‘Once upon a time there was a little elephant, chained to the ground, he pushed and pulled the chain, but it was too big and heavy for him. Time passed and elephant became big and powerful, though he wasn’t aware of it, so he didn’t run away, rather that he believed he was not strong enough. The memory of the lack of strength deeply engraved onto his very soul and spirit. It is not the end of my story, I am curious enough to push and pull one more time.’

‘If you were not a model, what would you want to be?’
‘I am going to rent some place on the island of Brač, have a garden and grow veggies.’ She lovely smiled at me with her cosmic eyes and generous lips, similar in shape to an apple leaf… and I melted.